9 Years Ago Today....

Once upon a time a boy and a girl met in college. They had a pretty unconventional friendship to start.....yet the best of friends they became. They did everything together. They would stay up all night long fueled by bad coffee, and talking about life. One day they both realized it had changed and grown into much much more. In May of 2002 just after the semester of school had ended, the boy proposed to the girl. Both the boy and the girl had one semester left of school and they decided to set the wedding date for right after graduation. How the boy and girl ever managed to make it through their last semester while planning a wedding I will never know. Graduation came and went....two weeks later there dawned a cold January day. Mid day a beautiful light snow began to fall while all the friends and family of the boy and girl gathered to watch the boy and girl; who were best friends, get married. It was a perfect day. The guests were well fed and then given some bad music to listen and dance to. The boy and girl have since had two wonderful children to share their life with...a fun and happy home and more Love to share than they know what to do with have completed this family.

This girl has had the best 9 years ever because she has had the opportunity to share it with a perfect boy.

Busy Resolutioning and Reminiscing

Yeah, I'm pretty sure resolutioning is not a word but you get the point. I have been busy the past two days working on my resolutions/goals for the year. I have made a great shopping list and blank weekly menu plan.

  I have only filled in dinner for this week. I need to get on the rest of the meals.

The grocery store list is set up like the store (our store is set up crazy so we hit up dairy first and produce last). I have items I know we buy every week already on the list and lots of empty space for anything that comes up from the menu. I will be getting a years worth of grocery lists printed out tomorrow. I plan on binding them and putting a magnet on the back so I can keep it on the fridge.

I also made it out for my first run yesterday. I need to head out for today's run in a minute.

It seems most people who keep up with their blogs also do a recap for the year. My year was hard. I started it out tearing my calf muscle, then I found out I was pregnant on Valentines day, then I spent LOTS of time working on the planning committee for the Bridge to Bridge 5K/10K race that is held on Mother's Day weekend. The race went off and was a smashing success. A week later we had a private ultra sound to find out the gender of the baby. We had a stubborn one that would not give us a glimpse of the goods. A week later we found out we lost the baby. I delivered a beautiful baby boy that we named Luke. After that it was all I could do to keep my head above water. I threw myself into gardening and decorating projects. I also threw a fun birthday party for both of my boys. Making the cake and cake balls (red velvet) was a fun challenge.

Next I repainted the dining room and sewed myself some new curtains and painted the table.

 Then I put up some bulletin boards to display the boys' artwork.

 I sewed a Happy Birthday Sign to use for all our birthdays.

I made a huge list of things to do for the boys to keep them busy for the summer.

 I decided to make my house a bit more "green" by getting rid of paper products. I sewed rag bags and rags for our house and then loved the idea so much that I made one for 2 of my cousins and my mom.

I got my hands and feet dirty in the garden making a bunch of new flower beds.

 This is Luke's rose bush. It is surrounded by rocks that they boys painted.

 The rocks that the boys and I painted.

 I got my necklace with Luke's ashes in it.

G and I went on our first real vacation since our honeymoon....we made good use of the beach by remembering Luke.

 The boys played with bubbles....LOTS

We shampooed the carpets in the house, and as you can tell....they really needed it.

I had to sew a vest for a costume for Hugh. School wanted them to dress up as what they wanted to be when they grew up.....if you can't tell, Hugh wants to be a paleontologist.

Then it was almost Halloween and we decided to decorate the house with bats. I cut 100 bats out of paper and Hugh helped decorate.

Then I sewed the boys' Halloween costumes.

Then I painted the extra bedroom (one wall got chalkboard paint) and made curtains for that room.

I hit up goodwill and bought some ugly picture frames and spray painted them black to make a nice wall mural in our room.

Then it was time for Christmas and Christmas gifts to be made....
Here are some aprons I sewed for a friend and her two girls.

I took pictures of the boys and had some fun with the chalkboard painted wall.

I painted some awesome treasure chests for the boys for Christmas. I filled them with rocks that I had spray painted gold.

I accomplished lots of things and created lots of things but I still have a hole in my heart that can't be filled. I will always miss Luke.

On a side note....I know some of the pictures are turned, I'm still trying to fix that.

Lots of Food Pictures!

I have kept up posting my food pictures on facebook but I have slacked here, and I have some awesome ones since we have switched to paleo. I think I will post a few pictures here and there to catch up on that!

To start with I will put up my favorite meals thus far.

This first one is an herb rubbed pork tenderloin with roasted green bean, asparagus, and a blueberry/onion glaze. It was amazing!

This one is curried shrimp and spinach over fish cakes. I have been making a point to eat foods and spices that I had previously never tried. Curry is one of those things, I had never tried it and now I love it!

This next one just happened to be a last minute throw together meal and I loved it! We cook up a big batch of chicken and pork on the grill each weekend so that we will have something quick to grab out of the fridge. Also, G takes them for work for lunch. Anyway, I grabbed a chicken breast, a pork chop, some shrimp and I cut them up, tossed them in a skillet with butter and spices...tossed in peas and tomatoes at the end and we had an awesome 10 minute meal!

And, the last picture I have for the day (this one was taken on one of the new plates I got for Christmas! 5 full settings of fiesta ware). This is what we had last night for dinner. I cut up some chicken breasts into nuggets. I dipped them in egg and then coarsely ground almonds mixed with my own taco seasonings, then fried them in bacon drippings. I served the chicken nuggets with roasted greenbeans, asparagus, carrots, and mushrooms and we dipped them in salsa!

New Year...New Goals

I have been slacking on the running front and I have been missing it quite a bit. I have been having scheduling issues with the kids that have kept me from it. Some of the issue is me. I can get up at 5 am and go while the boys and G sleep but I really like to sleep too. I tried taking Owen with me in the jogging stroller after I dropped Hugh off at school but he hates being strapped down and made for a terrible companion on the runs....he would cry the entire time. I looked into getting a gym membership but we just don't have the extra money for that expense. That brings me back to 5 am. I just have to suck it up and do it.

I have a friend that is doing a challenge for 2012, run one mile every single day of the year. I like a good challenge and it is not that unobtainable of one. That puts me at 7 miles a week. I think the first few weeks will be the hardest and after that I can throw extra miles on every few days.

G is currently getting ready for a half marathon in May. While I did not sign up for it with him I am intending to train with him. I want to be able to comfortably run that distance by then.

So, my goal running goals are:

1. Run at least one mile every single day in 2012.
2. Train for a half marathon with G.
3. Weather permitting I will do it all barefoot!

As far as everything else in my life. I want to keep up the paleo/primal/grain-free eating. I have indulged myself in items with grains in them this holiday season and I have not only put on a couple of pounds but I feel bad. I get a head ache and a stomach ache and digestive issues from it. I bought myself a good paleo cook book for Christmas. I do better at making great meals for my family when I have a great meal plan done for each week.

So, my eating goals are:

1. Meal plan each week.
2. Keep it paleo...I feel better when I do.

Blogging goals.

1. I want to put out a couple of posts each week. The entire reason I started blogging was to have a snapshot of my life for my children to look back on to see what I was like, what our family was like, what they were like. I also really enjoy documenting my life....it makes me feel like there is some reason for it. So, for them and for me, I need to put more out there.

Life is getting better...lots of changes

I am still working through the loss of our sweet baby Luke. My due date is coming up fast (October 31st) and I'm pretty sure that will be a hard day. On my way through that monster called grief I have made some changes in my life and my families lives.

I am still barefoot running, although not as much as I would like. Getting over that calf strain was harder than I thought...I suspect that it was a tear and not a strain. Anyway, now that Hugh is back in school for the year I have been able to take Owen out in the stroller for some runs. I need to build my distance back up. G. is thinking about going for a half marathon in the spring and I'm hoping to join him.

I poured my heart and soul into yard work and gardening this summer. Just taking a shovel and digging helped to give me time to think and an outlet for all the emotions. I created HUGE new flowerbeds in the back yard. I hope to put a patio in the middle next summer. I also added a big bed in the front yard and re-dug all the beds up close to the front and side of the house.

Greg and I were able to take a small vacation up to Michigan for a long weekend. That was very much needed to reconnect.

Now for the biggest change....we have gone primal/paleo/sugar free. I am loving it and G. is still struggling with the loss of sweets. It has been just over 3 weeks and we have each lost just about 10 lbs. I want to switch the boys to this as well as I believe they will thrive. That just may take a little time. Owen may have to switch out of necessity...the doc wants him worked up for celiac...I just have not made the appointment yet.

The basics of the plan....meat, veggies, fats, and some fruits and nuts. Some dairy but it is on its way out as well. We eat nothing that is processed, and no grains of any type. In the three weeks that we have been doing this I feel soooo much better. I decided to have some beans last night with dinner and I will never do that again. My stomach is ANGRY at me and I woke up really sick...I felt like I had been poisoned.

I guess that is about as much of an update as I can do for now. I still have a book giveaway to do so I will get that up in a couple of days.

Book giveaway in the near future

There is a new barefoot running book coming out in the next few weeks and I will be able to giveaway a signed copy to a reader! I'm really excited about this book because I was interviewed for it! I can also say that Zola Budd wrote a bit for this book.

The author has worked incredibly hard on this book and wants to give one away to someone interested in barefoot running. I will also put up a review for him. I will update when I have more info and when I have have the book in hand.

Keep reading!

A Loss

I have been having trouble with coming up with words to put down to say what happened to us. I need to stop hesitating and just put my thoughts into words to help myself heal.

On Wednesday, May 25th, I woke up a bit early because I needed to head to a prenatal appointment in the city. I had switched OB's so I could attempt a VBAC and University of Illinois at Chicago (UIC) is the only hospital that would allow me to attempt it after 2 c-sections. I had to drop Hugh off at school early so that I would have time to drive in. As it was it was raining buckets and I was afraid I would be late. We all know traffic gets backed up when it rains.

Even with bad traffic I walked into my appointment at exactly 9:30 am (that was my appointment time). I had Owen with me and a bag full of toys and snacks to keep him occupied. I had a standard appointment....pee in a cup, get weighed, listen to the heartbeat, but she had some trouble finding the heartbeat with the doppler. So, she sent me to the hospital for an ultra sound to find it. I was a bit worried but I hoped that the baby was just being shy and the ultrasound would find the heartbeat right away. As it was I had had my gender ultrasound the previous Thursday and all was well at that point.

It was a 10 minute drive to the hospital and then I had to find parking and head in. My midwife told me that they were expecting me. I assumed that meant I would be seen right away for the u/s. I was wrong. I waited, with a hungry and grumpy 2 year old, for 1.5 hours. When I was called in they had cleared the waiting room and it was their lunch time. I went to the back and had to strap Owen into his stroller (this made him really mad) so I could have the u/s. The machine was so old and crappy they could hardly even see the baby let alone find a heart beat. So, they told me yet again to wait so they could get approval to use a better machine. Another 20 minutes have gone by. Owen is just crying at this point and I finally get in the room. Owen would not be set down at all at this point so there I am lying on the table with Owen sitting on my chest (they needed my tummy free for the u/s). At this point they could see that there was no heart beat but it looked like the baby was still moving. That was all Owen. Another tech had to come in to hold Owen because he was sobbing so much that it was shaking my entire body. Then they wanted the OB to come in to confirm. Again we waited. I'm already crying at this point. I just wanted to leave. I had Owen to deal with and I didn't want to deal with the reality of what was happening to me.

I went into this overly optimistic. I mean it is almost pushed down a pregnant woman's throat that after the 12 week mark you are "safe" from losing the baby. I was almost 18 weeks at this point, plus I had just seen the baby less than a week ago and everything was fine. It really hit me when I was getting ready to leave and the OB told me that it was my choice to schedule a D&E or an induction. OMG.....not only did I lose the baby but I was so far along that I would have to deliver the baby too (a D&E is a horrific procedure and I would never in a million years consider it...if you don't know what it is you can look it up but be forewarned that it is horrific).

I knew at this point that I would go back to the OB that I had started the pregnancy with. I have anxiety driving to and from the city as it is. I am not comfortable at UIC and the only reason I was there was to attempt the VBAC, which is not happening now.

I had called Greg a few times during all my visits to keep him updated on the situation (he could not come to be with me because of transportation issues), so he knew what was going on. I still had to go pick Hugh up from school...Greg had informed them that I would be late but not why. I cried for most of the entire hour drive going to pick up Hugh. I should have pulled over but I just wanted to be home at this point. Once I got to get Hugh I ran in and started sobbing again. I had to tell them what was going on and I got two of the best hugs ever from Hugh's teacher Ms. Crystal and Miss. Stacie.

I made it home without getting into any accidents and I just sat there. I didn't know what to do or to think. I needed Greg. I needed him to hold me and be with me. I tried to do a little research online but crying kept getting in the way so I did nothing until Greg finally got home.



Friday, May 27th came and we drove to the hospital. My mom had taken off work to stay at our house with the boys. We arrived and they showed us to our room in the labor and delivery area. We had to sit and wait a bit. The OB (same one that delivered Owen) wanted to check my cervix before anything. I was still closed.

I got an IV and blood work (18 vials, they were testing me for EVERYTHING) and the first round of cytotek at about 8:30 am. Bed rest for the first 2 hours with cramping starting at just about 3 hours. At 1:45 pm I got my second dose. 2 more hours of bed rest. The cramping became more regular. By 5:00 they were coming every 2-4 minutes. I got the last dose at 6:00 pm with 2 more hours of bed rest. Cramping/contractions were coming about every 2 minutes right away. At 7:00 pm my water broke and the intensity level of the contractions went through the roof. By 8:00 pm the contractions were coming on top of each other with no break. I started throwing up at about 8:15 pm with quite a lot of pressure. Right around 8:40 pm the pain increased and I delivered the baby.

I never had to be hooked to a monitor except for blood pressure and that was only while I was on my 2 hours of bed rest after the med dosing. They allowed me to deliver in any position I wanted so I ended up delivering on my side (it was the best position to get me through those non-stop contractions).

The baby was a boy....we named him Luke Gregory. He weighed 6.88 ounces and was 7.5 inches long....he was not large enough to qualify for stillbirth status in the state of Illinois but he was classified that way through the doctor's office. Luke was perfect, with 10 fingers and 10 toes. It appears that he died right after my gender u/s the week before. I have since received chromosome and pathology results and he was a perfect in every way boy. They could detect nothing wrong and have no reason for his death.

The placenta never delivered on it's own so I had to go in for a D&C. They put me under completely saying that I had emotionally gone through enough at that point. The hospital staff was wonderful, they contacted the funeral home for us to arrange for Luke to be picked up so we could cremate him. They also took pictures and have put together a memory box for us with foot prints

and a bunch of other stuff. The funeral home waived all charges except for the $50 county paperwork fee.

Greg and I got to hold Luke for as long as we wanted, his eyes were both open and he had a perfect nose and 10 fingers and toes. We took more pictures and said our goodbyes. Now that Luke is gone I need to deal with this loss. I didn't just lose a baby, I lost all my hopes and dreams for another person that will never be.




We had Luke cremated and have since received his ashes from the funeral home.There was not much.

I am having them made into a pendant to put on a necklace so I can have him close to my heart forever. I also had his foot prints and name tattooed onto my inner wrist. Anytime I think about him I can look down and remember how little and at the same time how much he touched in this world.

I will be uploading pictures of Luke if anyone is interested. He was little but perfect.